WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT? WOAHHH WOAHHHH!

luckiest day in the world, 07.07.07 :')

Eva Longoria Parker Happy Anniversary to my honey bunny @tp9network! 3 years baby!

i was meant to be having an early night...

...and it's 3.30am and i'm sat up listening the the american anthems album, which is quite possibly one of the most immense albums i've ever come across :')

"Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in god above, if the bible tells you so? Do you believe in rock and roll, can music save your mortal soul and can you teach me how to dance, real slow? Well I know that you're in love with him cos I saw you dancing in the gym, you both kicked off your shoes, man I dig those rhythmic blues. I was a lonely teenage bronking buck, with a pink carnation and a pick up truck but I knew I was out of luck, the day the music died..."

gahhhhhhhhhh :)

i LOVE the start of new months.
i swear, i can't remember when i felt this HAPPY.
i am PROUD of myself.
i am feeling all EXCITED again.

it's all about feeling like how kate looks in the top and bottom pictures :')

YES.stupid amounts of public transport. the best smelling house on earth. ipodipodipod. blue ice pops are the only good  ones. dead grass. stupid amounts of sun. in depth chats about anything and everything. happiness, lots of it. bbm. textssss. catsssssssss. 'i'm at caz's, i love her' 'what the fuck are you doing with my phone again?!". the jokest facebook marriage in history, oh mama :'). having the best conversation with my mum about, well, my life. a bit of badness, ick. not getting a look in. england getting kicked out of the world cup. getting pissed off at how crap england were throughout the world cup. the gay village. flagssss. shimmy. straws and grinding loonatics. "it makes me feel so dirty but i like it". sex on the beach in buckets with chan. drunken lou. taxi bastards. lots of alcohol. some more alcohol. cinema times with naomi. grouchy. a pink blackberry phone cover, i don't know why. sudden raiiiin. two doctors trips. my silly ears and silly everything really, fml :') being stupidly excited about the plans for my girls coming to manchester for what is going to be the most messed up night in history...:)

i'm going to go to sleep now.
"why can't i breathe whenever i think about you? why can't i speak whenever i talk about you?"

i can't explain.

i'm going to try this new thing...

where i don't beat myself up over every little mistake i make,

where i don't go out of my way to do people favours when they're just going to throw it back in my face,

where i make plans with people who actually want to spend time with me,

where i get it into my head that i'm actually worthy of having time spent on me.

it's gonna be fun :)

happy fucking fathers day.

you were never there, you didn't even do a very good job at pretending to be there for me or my mum. i understand why i didn't find out about you until after i'd turned 18, in a way i hate it but in a way i know it's for the best. 

it fucks me off that you were just swanning around doing your own thing for years and years when my mum and dad, my real dad were doing everything the could to give me a good life and stuff and for that i'm so grateful, of course i am and i know that i could of had things so much worse but i got into this cycle of being like 'oh it could be worse, it could be worse...' and for over a year that's been just fine, until now. it's not fine, for me it doesn't get worse. well, being betrayed like a son of a bitch during the whole thing (oh good times!) made things slightly worse but yeah. 

last year i sent you a card, what the hell was i thinking?! did i get a birthday card off you for my 18th? for any of my birthdays? any christmas cards? anything? i'm not a hard person to get on with, in fact, i'm a bit of a push over, it's pretty pathetic to be completely honest with you and if i could do anything to change a lot of me then i would, i've tried and tried but no, complete fail.

i hate how i think i was used as a weapon. i hate how i wasn't good enough to come back to. i hate how that has stuck in my head. i hate how much i cave in and get upset when i think about it. i hate how i never allow myself to think about it. i hate how i don't allow myself to discuss it with anyone properly. i hate how you're in my dna. i hate how your surname is on my birth certificate. i hate how i let this bother me. 

HAPPY FUCKING FATHERS DAY, YOU ABSOLUTE WASTE OF SPACE.

be young, be foolish but be happy.

i am feeling a crazed urge to blog right now but have LOADS of stuff to whip out so it's going to be in note form, that's always fun...

- letters to juliet with cazcaz, that film is not good, at all, in any way shape or form. "charlie bit meeeeeeeeeeee!" "i swear there's a football match on today..." field tiiiimes. i introduced her to kansas chicken burgers.

- night out with chantelle, lou, jade > started in didsbury. world cup. wine. flags. keir, joe, amanda and stephanie?! kiran and scott?! laurie and other people?! bus chase into town for chan's purse. chantelle playing with my hair for about 4000 hours. gail. gail. gail. passed out at lou's. got in at 6am.

- night out with lozza and chantelle > saw my dad on the bus, he gave us £20 for drinks. a lot of drinks. gail. monday madness at 5th. getting punched and drinks being thrown. miss nevins?! more drinks. maddie. the intercom man. hi lighter everywhere. graffiti. stolen items. sunlight. messy.

- whitney houston :') > i ended up going with bexx, it's all very odd. it was fun. whitney got chubs. me and bexx went for a curry and talked for about 3454375201230 hours :))

- mama, owen and nana are back :)

quite a lot of stuff has gone on during all of this really... can't really be bothered going into all of it but yeah...

i had a massive urge to watch it's complicated the other night so i rented it from itunes ;) i saw it at the cinema when it came out but i randomly wanted to watch it again so yeah, rented that one... i love it so much, i adore meryl streep!

Jake: I'm sorry. 
Jane: How far back does that 'sorry' go? 
Jake: How far back do you need it to go?
Jane: Wa-ay back. 

"a shooting star is just debris but it's still beautiful, so does that mean that whatever's left of us after the heartbreak is still beautiful?"


answers on a postcard :)

well, that's just brilliant.

BYE THEN.

you took my hand, you showed me how, you promised me you'd be around. i took your words and i believed in everything you said to me, if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, i'd stand up and punch them out, cos they're all wrong, i know better, cos you said forever and ever, who knew? remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool? i wish i could touch you again, i wish i could still call you a friend, i'd give anything. when someone said count your blessings now before they're long gone, i guess i just didn't know how, i was all wrong, they knew better, still you said forever and ever, who knew? i'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again and i won't forget you my friend, what happened? if someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, i'd stand up and punch them out, cos they're all wrong and that last kiss, i'll cherish until we meet again and time makes it harder, i wish i could remember but i keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew.

it would probably be better if we were strangers...

i had a bit of a strange moment last night as i was waiting for the holiday to start, i decided to watch the old trailers cos i'm cool like that and really like them and just yeah and i ended up typing loads of crap into my phone to put on here because let's face it, this just gets neglected  lately, so this is what i came up with...

'random mess in brain (best title ever by the way!)
i just watched the trailer for atonement and remembered when you were the most romantic person i'd ever come across. you made me believe in beauty, love, romance and purity and then there were the darker times when you made me see misery and upset and heart ache but all of this aside, no matter what was going on it was always insanely romantic. this is utterly stupid on so many levels and it was probably destined to end like this, by this i mean you leaving me like this and i understand why you did and blah blah blah and all the rest of it but i just cannot comprehend it. in my heart of hearts i do not understand where the love went, where the romance and passion went. i cannot understand that. did it never really exist in the first place or does it just catapult into nothingness? it has to be something along these lines because my god, i certainly don't feel the enveloping buzz of being close to you anymore and i doubt i ever will again. well done atonement, well done.'

i'm not some upset wreck by the way, just thought i'd get that point well and truly across, i dunno really, it just hit me, where does it all go?!