29 June, 2010

it's all about feeling like how kate looks in the top and bottom pictures :')

YES.stupid amounts of public transport. the best smelling house on earth. ipodipodipod. blue ice pops are the only good  ones. dead grass. stupid amounts of sun. in depth chats about anything and everything. happiness, lots of it. bbm. textssss. catsssssssss. 'i'm at caz's, i love her' 'what the fuck are you doing with my phone again?!". the jokest facebook marriage in history, oh mama :'). having the best conversation with my mum about, well, my life. a bit of badness, ick. not getting a look in. england getting kicked out of the world cup. getting pissed off at how crap england were throughout the world cup. the gay village. flagssss. shimmy. straws and grinding loonatics. "it makes me feel so dirty but i like it". sex on the beach in buckets with chan. drunken lou. taxi bastards. lots of alcohol. some more alcohol. cinema times with naomi. grouchy. a pink blackberry phone cover, i don't know why. sudden raiiiin. two doctors trips. my silly ears and silly everything really, fml :') being stupidly excited about the plans for my girls coming to manchester for what is going to be the most messed up night in history...:)

22 June, 2010

i'm going to go to sleep now.
"why can't i breathe whenever i think about you? why can't i speak whenever i talk about you?"

20 June, 2010

i can't explain.

i'm going to try this new thing...

where i don't beat myself up over every little mistake i make,

where i don't go out of my way to do people favours when they're just going to throw it back in my face,

where i make plans with people who actually want to spend time with me,

where i get it into my head that i'm actually worthy of having time spent on me.

it's gonna be fun :)

happy fucking fathers day.

you were never there, you didn't even do a very good job at pretending to be there for me or my mum. i understand why i didn't find out about you until after i'd turned 18, in a way i hate it but in a way i know it's for the best. 

it fucks me off that you were just swanning around doing your own thing for years and years when my mum and dad, my real dad were doing everything the could to give me a good life and stuff and for that i'm so grateful, of course i am and i know that i could of had things so much worse but i got into this cycle of being like 'oh it could be worse, it could be worse...' and for over a year that's been just fine, until now. it's not fine, for me it doesn't get worse. well, being betrayed like a son of a bitch during the whole thing (oh good times!) made things slightly worse but yeah. 

last year i sent you a card, what the hell was i thinking?! did i get a birthday card off you for my 18th? for any of my birthdays? any christmas cards? anything? i'm not a hard person to get on with, in fact, i'm a bit of a push over, it's pretty pathetic to be completely honest with you and if i could do anything to change a lot of me then i would, i've tried and tried but no, complete fail.

i hate how i think i was used as a weapon. i hate how i wasn't good enough to come back to. i hate how that has stuck in my head. i hate how much i cave in and get upset when i think about it. i hate how i never allow myself to think about it. i hate how i don't allow myself to discuss it with anyone properly. i hate how you're in my dna. i hate how your surname is on my birth certificate. i hate how i let this bother me. 

HAPPY FUCKING FATHERS DAY, YOU ABSOLUTE WASTE OF SPACE.




19 June, 2010

be young, be foolish but be happy.

i am feeling a crazed urge to blog right now but have LOADS of stuff to whip out so it's going to be in note form, that's always fun...

- letters to juliet with cazcaz, that film is not good, at all, in any way shape or form. "charlie bit meeeeeeeeeeee!" "i swear there's a football match on today..." field tiiiimes. i introduced her to kansas chicken burgers.

- night out with chantelle, lou, jade > started in didsbury. world cup. wine. flags. keir, joe, amanda and stephanie?! kiran and scott?! laurie and other people?! bus chase into town for chan's purse. chantelle playing with my hair for about 4000 hours. gail. gail. gail. passed out at lou's. got in at 6am.

- night out with lozza and chantelle > saw my dad on the bus, he gave us £20 for drinks. a lot of drinks. gail. monday madness at 5th. getting punched and drinks being thrown. miss nevins?! more drinks. maddie. the intercom man. hi lighter everywhere. graffiti. stolen items. sunlight. messy.

- whitney houston :') > i ended up going with bexx, it's all very odd. it was fun. whitney got chubs. me and bexx went for a curry and talked for about 3454375201230 hours :))

- mama, owen and nana are back :)

quite a lot of stuff has gone on during all of this really... can't really be bothered going into all of it but yeah...

i had a massive urge to watch it's complicated the other night so i rented it from itunes ;) i saw it at the cinema when it came out but i randomly wanted to watch it again so yeah, rented that one... i love it so much, i adore meryl streep!
























Jake: I'm sorry. 
Jane: How far back does that 'sorry' go? 
Jake: How far back do you need it to go?
Jane: Wa-ay back. 
"a shooting star is just debris but it's still beautiful, so does that mean that whatever's left of us after the heartbreak is still beautiful?"


answers on a postcard :)

16 June, 2010

you took my hand, you showed me how, you promised me you'd be around. i took your words and i believed in everything you said to me, if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, i'd stand up and punch them out, cos they're all wrong, i know better, cos you said forever and ever, who knew? remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool? i wish i could touch you again, i wish i could still call you a friend, i'd give anything. when someone said count your blessings now before they're long gone, i guess i just didn't know how, i was all wrong, they knew better, still you said forever and ever, who knew? i'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again and i won't forget you my friend, what happened? if someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, i'd stand up and punch them out, cos they're all wrong and that last kiss, i'll cherish until we meet again and time makes it harder, i wish i could remember but i keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew.

14 June, 2010

it would probably be better if we were strangers...

i had a bit of a strange moment last night as i was waiting for the holiday to start, i decided to watch the old trailers cos i'm cool like that and really like them and just yeah and i ended up typing loads of crap into my phone to put on here because let's face it, this just gets neglected  lately, so this is what i came up with...

'random mess in brain (best title ever by the way!)
i just watched the trailer for atonement and remembered when you were the most romantic person i'd ever come across. you made me believe in beauty, love, romance and purity and then there were the darker times when you made me see misery and upset and heart ache but all of this aside, no matter what was going on it was always insanely romantic. this is utterly stupid on so many levels and it was probably destined to end like this, by this i mean you leaving me like this and i understand why you did and blah blah blah and all the rest of it but i just cannot comprehend it. in my heart of hearts i do not understand where the love went, where the romance and passion went. i cannot understand that. did it never really exist in the first place or does it just catapult into nothingness? it has to be something along these lines because my god, i certainly don't feel the enveloping buzz of being close to you anymore and i doubt i ever will again. well done atonement, well done.'

i'm not some upset wreck by the way, just thought i'd get that point well and truly across, i dunno really, it just hit me, where does it all go?!

10 June, 2010

HAHAHAHAHAHAH, k night :')

me + wedgehead + will + grace + jack + karen.


















i can't breathe, without you i get weak.

Put your iTunes on shuffle and make a list of the first 25 artists to see your different music tastes, make it interesting and put what comes to mind when you hear that song.

OH FUN!


1. Whatever it takes - Leona Lewis // Reminds me of when things were really different.
2. Shoot the runner - Kasabian // Reminds me of being stupidly drunk at a family party...
3. I'm feeling this - Blink 182 // Reminds me of looking for distractions from work at uni and swinging on my chair drinking vodka and orange (:
4. Greatest love of all - Whitney Houston // Reminds me of watching that Lil woman from scouse land singing on karaoke when I was like 6, it's strange what you remember...
5. Light my fire - Will Young // EMILY :')
6. Forever more - Roisin Murphy // Reminds me of being pissed off with Cat over something silly at the gym once so I put this on rrreally loud and took my anger out on the bike :P
7. Born to run - Bruce Springsteen // Reminds me of Cazcaz, obvssss!
8. Fuck you - Lily Allen // Reminds me of being drunk and screaming this at passers by at the venue.
9. In my heart - Moby // Reminds me of leaving school.
10. Every breath you take - The Police // Reminds me of singstar :') and breaking up with someone, i'm not sure who though, how odd!
11. Can't stop - Maroon 5 // Reminds me of my life right now tbh.
12. Can't breathe - Leona Lewis // Reminds me of actually having my breath taken away at her concert.
13. Not fair - Lily Allen // HAHAHAH! Reminds me of being in Emma's car on the way to Skem and me telling her exactly what this reminds me of, oh fun!
14. Hey, soul sister - Train // Reminds me of having butterfliessssssssssss.
15. Like a star - Corinne Bailey Rae // Reminds me of sitting on the stairs talking to bexx for hours instead of being in food tech and when she bought the single from Londow, aww!
16. Stay together for the kids - Blink 182 // Reminds me of Jack and I have no idea why :P
17. I will be - Avril Lavigne // SHE COVERED LEONA?! EH?! OOH! Didn't know I had this! Reminds me of writing a valentines card. Ew. This version is shit.
18. Merry Happy - Kate Nash // Reminds me of Ellen.
19. Waterfall - Stone Roses // Reminds me of so many things that don't make sense but they all make me happy.
20. Cry - Alex Parks // Reminds me of being insanely loved up at an insanely young age :') good tiiimes!
21. This boy - James Morrison // Reminds me of being on holiday with Cat, Mama C and John :)
22. Balcony Scene - Craig Armstrong // Reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, obvs.
23. Friday i'm in love - The Cure // Reminds me of my last lesson in the studio as a fresher.
24. Best of my love - Cheryl Lynn // Reminds me of being STUPIDLY smiley when I should have been STUPIDLY sad, seriously, cannot go wrong with this song.
25. She's always a woman - Fyfe Dangerfield // Reminds me of my life tbh :P



oh what odd music taste you have.

we don't want to die, we just want to feel alive.

i think i'm having some kind of a breakdown in my mind at the minute, i really do.
you know where you get so wrapped in your thoughts and it starts to kind of, well, worry you?
coming back to manchester has been really, really strange, nothing like i thought it would be.
i think the amount of sex and the city that i've been watching has contributed to these strange things occuring in my mind. damn carrie bradshaw and her over analytical ways.
i have so much crap going through my head right now and i'm feeling to just type it all out, fuck it, let's do it;

- you're the only thing making me feel alive right now.
- i'm not really that surprised to be quite honest.
- does everything really happen for a reason?
- pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
- sometimes, if i think about you for too long, i actually get this overwhelming urge to just punch you in the face, it's quite scary.
- i just typed something but deleted it cos i didn't want to sound too bitchy.
- why the fuck do i care if i sound too bitchy?!
- the fact that gail platt is my background on my phone amuses me beyond belief.
- i officially find it hard to separate what was real and what was a lie, score.
- i'm finding it easier and easier to just shut everything out.
- it's strange how much of an influence music has on me.
- i love how well me and my mum are getting on at the minute.
- eurghhhh, it's a shame you can't just go back and erase things.
- do you honestly think i don't see what you're doing? :S

i'm stopping this now, my strange spell has gone (:

07 June, 2010

'if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.'

x.

you stalk me, it's beautiful.



but judging from these pictures, i stalk you, it's like the circle of life!

I LOVE YOU LOU LOU!! 
xxxxxx

you're never scared to walk through the fire, i wish i had your faith.

it's been a while...
i have no idea where to begin with things that have been going on.
i'm back home for summer now, i've pretty much emptied my room at uni now, eurgh, i have to go back tomorrow and finish clearing out my room, really cannot be bothered with that at all. i went the other day with my dad, completely filled a van, didn't realise i had so much crap, oops :/ so basically my bedroom at home is just full of plastic bags and some things are in the garage and some are in the conservatory and just, yeah, really can't be bothered to unpack, it's looking like i'm living like a complete mess for the entire summer, joy.
i think i need to have one of those crazy sessions where i throw away loads of clothes and sort my life out a bit, haha, i really do say that far too much :')
it's strange being back.
to think that i'm only like a bus ride away from people that i've wanted to see for ages yet nothings being done about it is a good feeling, yeah, it's great. it's really strange to think about how much everything's changing, i have like, one person who i turn to with all of it aswell which should probably make me sad but more than anything it just makes me feel happy, happy and lucky, always with the lucky. i think i just need to get some proper sleep and have a holiday, i'm starting to think that i actually need one.
eurgh, this is all getting really depressing now so i'm going to just whack the sadness out and then move on, swiftly.
i'm really, really wanting my nana lyn to be okay. i mean, i know she's never going to be okay again and as weird as it sounds i kind of accepted that quite a while ago but i can't help but think about andrew and adam and how they will be effected by the whole situation and just how much of an impact this has had on them so far and stuff... i just wish she'd be okay, since turning 18 and for obvious reasons and stuff, i've had so much more respect for her and i'm going to do my very best to ensure that she knows just how loved she is.
blaaaah. i'm not even going to properly going to go into the rest of it but it's fine, obviously know where i stand now and it comes down to the fact that i'm actually starting to quite like the person i'm becoming and the person i already am and that's a really big deal to me and if it was flipped and was the other way round, i'd be so happy for you, in fact, i'd be more than happy but i guess that's just me thinking of myself again. i wish you'd see how much you mean to me and how much i want us to be okay again, i feel at such a loss without you and i know that i've not been as - i don't know what the word i'm trying to use here is... - as i could have been or as i should have been and stuff but i'm just, aw, i can't even explain it, i've tried but i'm pretty sure that just failed.
SADNESS DONE.
i saw sex and the city 2! FINALLY!
it was really, really good! i'm not sure if i prefer it too the first one, this one was definately funnier though... my love for carrie grew which i thought was impossible but hey, apparently not. argh, mr big! just, aw, all of it was amazing! i went with daniboii and chantelle, how random is that?! was so much fun though, cheeky bit of nandos... "table for madeline!" - oh god. me and chan ended up going to the village afterwards for cocktails and had such a good catch up, it was lovely.

i got a blackberry curve, how exciting?!
now you have to understand that  the fact that i am being in charge of my own contract and the fact that i have a decent phone is a huuuuge thing for me, so, no £800 phone bills and no smashed up phone or wine in the keypad, good times all round really!
i went to see leona lewis last niiiight, how exciting is that?! i went with my mum, her best friend marie and marie's son ethan, it was so last minute and i wasn't overly amazed at the thought of going. i've always thought leona has a really really good voice but just had it in my mind that she was a bit kind of lifeless or something but i was so, so wrong, she was absolutely amazing. she's gorgeous and has really good stage presence and stuff, her dancers were amaaazing aswell, aw, i just loved it. cheeky bit of gabriella cilmi too, she was goooood.

"going, coming, thought i heard a knock, who's there? no one. thinking that i deserved it, now i really realise that i really didn't..."



02 June, 2010

want to know something about me?

my way by frank sinatra is one of my favourite songs ever.
simon cowell was right, mr sinatra had swagger, no, i take that back, he invented swagger.


"yes there were times, i'm sure you knew, when i bit off more than i could chew but through it all, when there was doubt, i ate it up and spit it out, i faced it all and stood tall and did it my way."